Does anyone ever say, “I don’t think I’ll go on this hot date tonight because I’d rather stay at home and do math?” John drove from Florida to New York in twenty-four hours stopping twice at a rest stop for a one hour nap. Paul made the same trip in twenty-eight hours stopping once for a two hour nap. Combined, the nap time totaled four hours and the driving time totaled fifty-two hours. If John and Paul had shared the driving, how many inches of snow could Connecticut expect next winter Do people really talk about this stuff? When I was a child, I understood that 2  plus  2 equals 4, but why isn’t 2  And  2 22. One 2 next to another 2 certainly looks like a 22.  I was able to count to ten. I had no problem with twenty and up, but I had a real hard time with everything between ten and twenty. My solution? Eleventy-one, eleventy-two, eleventy-three, all the way to eleventy-nine. I was fine from twenty on. Telling time was another thing altogether. Twelve fi...

  New York in mid-September can be a bit chilly. Particularly in the shade.  The parks are usually quite sunny and some days , one can be comfortable in just a T-shirt. The morning of September 11, 2001 was one of these unusually warm mornings. My fellow sidewalk booksellers and I were out in full force with our best merchandise on the nicest day we've had since graduation. Then we needed a lot of Ken Kesey and Timothy Leary since all that were left were the aging hipsters. We had lengthy discussions about who would come earliest to secure the best spot on the block for himself. These were our concerns: That we can exercise our First Amendment Rights without harassment from some self proclaimed authority figure and that it doesn't rain. The New York University Administration and the NYU Bookstore cannot be counted among the number of supporters the sidewalk booksellers have acquired. We provided excellent books at a price that left the students with some money left over for be...

  Dear friends, I did not know Mr. Corpse. I do not know any of you, nor do I care to. I am just a humble funeral director, and I am charging a substantial sum of money to feed you a huge line of bullshit... so open wide my friends; your hearts that is. Yesterday, Mr. Corpse concluded his human experience. He considered this world to be a bizarre world in which he felt displaced. His life was a quest for knowledge, self-fulfillment, and self-actualization. This is just a sample of the bullshit that I am being paid well to deliver. Mr. Corpse was baptized into the Catholic faith against his will. He never adhered to its doctrines of resurrection, heaven, sin, and eternal damnation. He believed that the only way that the soul can achieve perfection is through reincarnation. If this is so, it would probably benefit mankind if the church reconsidered its stance against abortion. Mr. Corpse's affections were always misdirected toward the wrong women, and he was never able to find the ...

(Dreams and visions seem real)                                                                                                                        It all depends on how you feel                                                                                                                      (Dreams and visions feel real)                      ...

 Arthur is about six  and looks like Groucho Marx.He is rail thin and wears a train conductor's hat. Most days he sits on a stool at a small folding table  in front of the Chinese restaurant with a pot of tea. He has very long fingers and it's fun to watch him drink the tea from those small cups with his pinky sticking out.        Arthur is running for mayor ag this week so I thought I'd stop and congatulate him again.On his little table in front of the teapot was an assortment of Xeroxed flyers and stickers.Go Farthur with Arthur  was spray painted on the back of his tattered jean jacket.The flyers were free and the stickers were one dollar.All of the money goes to the Arthur for Mayor campaign.      After about an hour,Arthur,having finished his tea began gathering his flyers and stickers into a large worn black leather shoulder bag.I noticed that the buckle was missing but if I know Arthur, that buckle is broksomewhere on his per...

Chapters:                                                                                                Tone Deaf                                                                                              The Tonette                                                                                      ...