Dear friends,

I did not know Mr. Corpse. I do not know any of you, nor do I care to.

I am just a humble funeral director, and I am charging a substantial sum of money to feed you a huge line of bullshit... so open wide my friends; your hearts that is.

Yesterday, Mr. Corpse concluded his human experience.

He considered this world to be a bizarre world in which he felt displaced.

His life was a quest for knowledge, self-fulfillment, and self-actualization.

This is just a sample of the bullshit that I am being paid well to deliver.

Mr. Corpse was baptized into the Catholic faith against his will.

He never adhered to its doctrines of resurrection, heaven, sin, and eternal damnation.

He believed that the only way that the soul can achieve perfection is through reincarnation.

If this is so, it would probably benefit mankind if the church reconsidered its stance against abortion.

Mr. Corpse's affections were always misdirected toward the wrong women, and he was never able to find the one who would love him totally and unconditionally.

He was always nice to them, and he was always a perfect gentleman.

Unfortunately, they always punished him with the contempt that he deserved for being a good human being.

He was generous with his time and resources, and he was sensitive to the needs of others.

He was never late for an appointment, he always returned phone calls, and he was prompt in the payment of his debts.

However, all of this was solely his responsibility and no one else ever felt obligated to return the courtesy, so they didn't.

Mr. Corpse created many great works that the world never got to see, read, or hear, and they will be discarded with the trash by his survivors who never recognized his genius.

Mr. Corpse's valued possessions will be donated to the Goodwill or tossed out with the trash.

After all, those useless items create a fire hazard, and they occupy very valuable and highly rentable space.

Mr. Corpse spent his last days struggling to be happy in the moment as he was constantly haunted by his memories.

Although a few may, the world itself will not miss Mr. Corpse. The sun will shine, the rain will fall, and the world will continue to revolve without...Mr. Corpse.

Here today, at his very expensive funeral, Mr. Corpse's friends and loved ones will finally have the chance to relieve their consciences and pay him the respect that they never afforded him in life.

Mr. Corpse is survived by the living.

Mr. Corpse had no children, no life insurance, and he did not leave a will, so his survivors will have to begrudgingly pay for his funeral expenses since it is illegal to throw his body out in the trash with his legacy. They will curse the name of Mr. Corpse for the rest of their lives because of this.

Dear friends, dry your tears. Today, Mr. Corpse is getting even!