Holidazed

Holidays are good opportunities to rest, spend time with our families, and celebrate the victories and milestones of our species. Many American holidays usually have no relevance to the heritages of many of our citizens, yet they feel obligated to participate. Now before I am perceived as an ungrateful, atheistic, unpatriotic, cynical party-pooper, let me say that I enjoy giving and receiving cards and gifts on birthdays and gift-giving holidays, Thanksgiving dinners, New Years Eve parties, fireworks, parades, and when I was a kid, trick-or-treating and Easter baskets. My new year begins on my birthday, which falls around Labor Day, and I am usually working on that day. For some, the new year begins on April 15th.

Why is Columbus Day an American holiday? He was an Italian who worked for Spain, so it should be a holiday for Italy and Spain. They are the ones who profited from his conquests. He didn’t discover anything anyway. He only made it to Puerto Rico and there were already people there when he arrived. How about a Viking Day? Here in Tampa Bay, we honor someone who didn't even exist, a mythical Spanish crook named Jose Gaspar. Was Ponce De Leon, who had actually set foot on our soil in search of something that would benefit everyone, so mythical that we can't give him a holiday? Botox recipients can celebrate that one!

Halloween is the time of the year when the door separating the worlds of the living and the dead is open. Instead, we are extorted by very live mischievous children who haunt the doors of the living disguised as ghouls, ghosts, devils, witches, drag queens, dominatrixes, and teen idols.

On Memorial Day and Veterans Day, we honor those brave Americans who fought and died to win and preserve our freedom. Those courageous Native Americans, who fought, died, and lost while trying to keep and preserve their ancestral lands get a month .After what they were forced to endure, they deserve an entire year!

Many Americans are not descendants of the Mayflower pilgrims, so Thanksgiving Day has nothing to do with them either. By the way, how many alleged witches did they hang? We give thanks one day a year and spend the other 363.25 complaining about something. Christmas and Easter are essentially a combination of Jewish, Christian, and Pagan holidays, and many who participate are at least one or none of the above. Valentine’s Day is a nice holiday when one is in a relationship, so it is usually a very lonely day for some. I can't help but wonder what St. Valentine's love life was like! These are holidays that are celebrated by retailers.

Mother's Day and Father's Day are wonderful holidays for those who did not grow up in abusive or dysfunctional families. How about a special holiday for orphans, abused, neglected, missing, and murdered children, unwed mothers, divorced mothers and fathers who are denied their parental rights, or parents who are sent to nursing homes and forgotten by their ungrateful children?

As Americans, it is expected of us to observe Independence Day. Many Americans are not descendants of the English colonists. Should they celebrate their independence from the British Empire? Personally, I happen to like English history, customs, accents, women, music, literature, and humour. I also like the way they spell humour, colour, and labour. Okay, so we are Americans, and it is America's birthday, so I'll give in to that one.

Those who are not of Irish extraction actually have no reason to to imbibe to the point of obnoxiousness and self-destruction on St. Patrick's Day. Was St. Patrick a lush? Besides, most people look terrible in green. Oktoberfest is a German holiday that lasts sixteen days. The Japanese were also America's enemies during World War II. Do we celebrate Sushifest? Considering what Japanese-Americans had to endure in the American internment camps; don't they deserve a holiday as well? Anyway, they're getting their revenge by buying New York!

Why don't we have a holiday for columnists, reporters, authors, editors, musicians, actors, dancers, comedians, artists, teachers, students, smokers, alcoholics, drug addicts, strippers, prison inmates, law enforcement, restaurant workers, bartenders, chiropractors, poor and homeless people, communists, atheists, and Buddhists? These groups constitute a large part of the population, and they contribute to the culture and economy of our country.

Secretaries get a holiday! Puerto Ricans get one too, and they are always screaming for independence! I think we should give it to them. African-Americans and women each get an entire month, so African-American women get two in a row!

George Washington and Abraham Lincoln lost their holidays when their birthdays were combined, establishing Presidents Day. On this day, we must also celebrate and honor our least favorite presidents like Richard Nixon and George W. Bush.

What about our pets? How about a Dog Day Afternoon? Gays have a Gay- Pride Day. How about a Straight-Pride Day parade? This is worth celebrating. After all, heterosexuals make more people, and you can't have a holiday or a parade without people! Anyway, have a super holiday!